I was recently getting to know some new friends, and we were each telling each other our life stories. When you’re almost 45, that’s a lot of water under the bridge. So you have to focus on the highlights. I noticed something about my highlights… I don’t particularly like a lot of them. There are things I often don’t talk about because I feel ashamed about how parts of my life have played out. We enjoyed the rest of the beautiful evening, filled with conversation and a delicious meal prepared by these new friends. 

But over the next couple of days, I was not being my best self. I was in an emotional fog. With the help of my patient husband, I came to see that I was reacting out of my feelings of shame. (Although the concept gets mocked, this is called a trigger, and it’s a legit thing.) Although I was blaming my husband for how bad I felt, I had to admit this other reality—revisiting my past and how doing that affected me—was true. I had to confess that my story feels like a bad one. Like a pathetic one. Like I’m a victim. Not successful. Not worthy of respect. I had to confess how I was reacting to life and the people closest to me out of those bad feelings instead of the truth of WHO I am, WHOSE I am, and the Kingdom to which I belong. 

In the last few days God has faithfully reminded me that HE is the author of my story. And my story is part of HIS bigger story that began at the dawn of time … actually, before the dawn of time. HE has made each one of us to be a part of HIS story. It is a beautiful story, full of creative power, heartache, redemption, tragedy, fear, sacrifice, heroism, faith, hateful enemies, risk, friendship, overcoming, honor, courage, laughter, hope … and love. 

When I slow down enough and quiet myself enough to think about it, my story (ALL the parts of it put together) reflects all of the beauty of HIS big story… salvation, reconciliation, forgiveness, redemption, and love. Sometimes it’s hard to see all of that when we are in the fog of shame.

I offer this to you hoping that you might reflect upon the parts of your story that you don’t like so much—the parts that provoke shame. I know. They are ugly and we don’t like to think about them. But invite Jesus to shine HIS light—his truth and love—into those places. Sit with Him awhile there and listen for His voice… His truth and love breaking though your fog. As hard as it is, these are the parts of our life that are often the doorway by which we experience God’s love in the deepest and most life-giving ways.

P.S. I snapped this photo while driving through a corn field early Saturday morning to pick up my son from a youth conference. I didn’t realize how God’s light would break through my fog that day. Unaware, yet HE gave me this foreshadow. He is in all the details of life with such a personal love. Lord, open our eyes to YOU today!